I lost someone in 2012 who I thought was one of my best friends, the thought had crossed my mind that if I ever got hitched I'd ask her to be my maid of honor but our friendship was short-lived succumbing to an unfortunate series of events. My attempts to communicate with her went unanswered so all I'm left with is hearsay and from what I hear our friendship fell apart- actually, "falling apart" would imply that we simply couldn't reconcile, allow me to rephrase, from what I hear, (& this is purely my take of the situation) I was dropped like a bad habit because she feels like I betrayed her, I lied to her.
When I started this blog I wasn't really sure where I was going with it since I've been on an emotional roller coaster since late 2012; feeling confused, sad, angry, depressed etc etc but I think I've come to a good point to organize my thoughts & emotions with some form of respectable & readable dignity.
I'd like to claim I'm a "drama free" girl but there's no avoiding it, with friendships, come relationships, and with relationships come personalities, emotions, & ultimately trust. Each individual feels, thinks, and interprets things uniquely which often makes for dynamic conversations and helps to determine who you connect with. This leads to relationships & trust forms, however, when that trust is broken it can be catastrophic, maybe you think that's a bit of an exaggeration and now you're probably thinking "this girl describes a situation as "catastrophic," drama free, yeah right" but when it doesn't happen often or at all, then I have no methods of dealing with it & catastrophic becomes an appropriate description for my mental & emotional state during this period of coping.
I don't often feel the need to defend myself, especially to people who don't know me because I would hope the people who are close to my heart know me well enough to brush off the bullshit they hear from outside sources & I am most certainly not interested in starting or getting involved in gossip or bashing someone else's reputation, however, I do not enjoy entertaining the thought that my own name may have been or is currently being slandered, as people may think less of me before I even get a chance to prove myself to them.
I was going to describe the situation but; A. it's just waaaay too long & trust me this blog will be a test of attention spans, and B. it might consequently be ruining someone else's reputation, hence it would disprove the paragraph above. Yes, so that paradox lead me to this conclusion...
Details of the situation are not important, maybe it is if you want to judge but then you'd be judging me & I'd prefer to tell you about myself rather than telling you the long complicated situation that has resulted in rumours of betrayal & this failed friendship before you make a decision about me. This blog will not contain gossip. I would not bash someone I considered a friend, & maybe it's naive to think or hope that one day we could resolve our differences and at least be cordial and civil towards each other, dare I say friends again? But that is predictable of my nature & character to think that way, it may be one of my strengths as well as one of my biggest weaknesses, but I stray.
No matter how much I think of the situation the alleged "lies & betrayal" just doesn't make sense to me. This girl was one of my best friends, I can't stress that enough. We did practically everything together, I could see if we needed to spend some time apart, for we had very similar interests; surfing, jiu jitsu, friends, going out and shaking our tail feathers. She is the only girl friend I had to hang out with & go out with as most of my other girl friends don't live on this island, & those that do, do not share the same interests and/or have conflicting schedules. To say the least I honored & valued her friendship, we spent so much time together, I loved her like a sister (though I don't have any siblings so whatever I imagine sibling love to be like, maybe like a cousin cuz I know what that's like, anyway...), why I would purposely ruin that doesn't make any sense. The thought of "stabbing her in the back" and lying to her is incomprehensible, especially over a boy. There is no boy I would put above my friends, some guy I barely knew on top of that. Even if I had fallen for him, if I knew it would cause a problem with someone I held so dear, I'm sorry to say but I would've dropped him, no questions asked. I didn't believe he was the "one" I thought maybe he could be, but I certainly wasn't convinced he was my "one & only."
Anyway, that's just me that's how I feel about all of my close friends. I tell people, "I'm an only child, my friends are all I have" I'm not saying that people with siblings care less for their friends but I put a lot of effort into my friendships, building them, & maintaining them. I care about surrounding myself with good people and the longevity of our companionship. I don't have a big family to fall back on, I have a good family to fall back on but I am the youngest and the only, so I worry about being alone more often than I should.
My current situation is that there is a vacancy in my heart, I have no close girl friends on this island proximity & friendship wise, this was the situation then aside from her and it still is, I didn't care then because I had her, that one person I could get that "girl" support from when all the guy friends in the world just couldn't understand or relate. I knew then & I was perfectly content with it because it was fun, easy, & I couldn't imagine us not being friends at all. It takes a lot of energy, time, & dedication to build close relationships like that & honestly I'm a little weary, I feel like I just got blindsided and I'm assuming so does she.
Feeling betrayed is probably one of the worst feelings ever, especially by someone you considered a friend & I'm sorry that she has to feel that. If I made her feel that way then I understand why she wouldn't want me in her life any more, it's a horrible feeling. I can't change the way she feels but I'd ask her to consider my past, how long we've known each other even if we weren't super close for all of those years but if she could think back of how many people she's heard of me "back stabbing" or how many friends I've lost since we were in middle school together because I can't think of any. It doesn't follow my track record & as I get older I certainly do not intend to change now & start lying to my friends. I'm too old and too tired to get involved in drama, I never handled what little I had well then & I care for it even less now. My style is to enjoy life with the people I love, to love fully & wholly, one stride at a time, & dealing with situations as they arise.
I never claim to be perfect & will never be. I just hope the people I surround myself with can forgive me for the mistakes I have made and will make in the future and if not, then bummer but I'll just have to learn from it & keep on keeping on.
I will not concede. I will stand my ground, I will stand before you as the person I have been and will continue to be, if you believe I would intentionally stab a friend in the back & lie then you don't really know me & it is the right choice for us not to be friends. I myself would never befriend someone I couldn't trust. Everything happens for a reason & I can only work to better myself from here on out.
Maybe we wouldn't be best friends forever, maybe we wouldn't be as close forever but I certainly never fathomed being estranged from her. We share so many mutual friends I would hope we can amended the situation for those around us, my main concern if I cannot assuage her feelings of betrayal is the comfort of those who care for the both of us. We have great friends and they'll stand by the both of us through thick & thin, & knowing this I think it's inconsiderate to put them in an uncomfortable situation.
Weirdly Yours,
-K<3
