I wouldn't go as far as saying he "sexually harassed" me cuz I looked up the legal definition and it didn't quite fit because we don't work together but he definitely made unwelcomed sexual advances e.g. I was sitting on a couch in a bar next to my boyfriend who was celebrating his birthday & FF (Fuck Face) was on the other side of me while my bf & I were looking the opposite way FF grabbed a handful of my bum, effort was definitely required to accomplish this feat. As I turned to confront him face-to-face, I removed his hand from beneath my buttocks and with a 'WTF' expression I said, "Excuse you." and what he did pissed me off even more, he grinned- this motherfucking asshole smiled at me, 100% knowingly of what he was doing, then raised his finger to his lips and said "shhh" holy shit I wanted to punch his drunk ass face right then and there, I'm pretty sure my eyeballs got big and I was staring in fucking disbelief at the audacity of this punk. I'm pretty sure all I did was say something like, 'are you fucking kidding me or what the hell' out of shock, in retrospect I regret not elbowing him across his face, breaking his hand, and crushing his balls into oblivion at the time, but that's always been my problem I never capitalize on the opportunities in the moments when I can sort of justify them & now I bide my time. I didn't do anything mostly because don't usually act impulsively & I was taken completely by surprise, also because it was my boyfriend's b'day, he was completely trashed, having a good time, & he is my number one priority. Also, FF is my boyfriend's friend, some fucking friend I say. I ran a slightly edited version of this by my man at a later time just in case he flipped out but I was almost appalled at how nonchalant he was about it, he just told me "oh yeah, he's like that, he's the kind of guy that doesn't care if girls have boyfriends he'll go after them anyway." Even his own girlfriend apparently, I was a little perturbed he wasn't more upset but he's his friend I guess and I guess I don't need to be taken care of like that, I actually don't know what he was thinking, "no harm no foul" maybe? I don't know but whatever I just dropped it, I can take care of myself after all, right.
So anyway, FF (Fuck Face- just so you don't forget what that stands for) shows up at my Muay Thai class, holy fuck. He's totally different sober of course but it makes me more than uncomfortable that this unbelievable douche bag is learning martial arts, there should be some rule or guideline or something against teaching martial arts to guys like that, maybe a screening process or questionnaire, however unrealistic that may be this incident forces me to contemplate the idea. I not only fear that while intoxicated he will continue to act like his chauvinist-pig-drunk-alter-ego-self but if this fucking knuckle head gets into a fight because unlike my own boyfriend who remained calm while hearing a recap of the ordeal most guys won't appreciate another man making advances on their woman, especially unwelcomed physical advances and would possibly be provoked to the point of a physical altercation with the knowledge & skills FF is collecting from our school he won't receive the proper beat down he deserves because he will be apt enough to defend himself & even possibly injure someone else, now how fucked up would that be?
He always talks to me and I say 'what's up' to be polite not wanting to cause drama at my Muay Thai gym, he called me "buddy" & I swear I almost vomited into my mouth. I really just try to stay away from him but he somehow finds himself next to me and people already assume we're friends cuz I said he's my boyfriend's friend, which is definitely NOT the case I am nice to him for the sake of the gym, my Muay Thai family, the reputation of the school & business for my coach. I am a more senior member and more than grateful for this place that has helped me through some dark times in my life, I am humbled to be a part of a great family- I feel an obligation to represent the school the best I can. As much as I try to move past the more than awful first impression, it just makes me so mad. I felt violated and I'm just waiting for my next opportunity to get revenge on this guy, which is even worse. I don't plot, I don't get revenge on people it's like a blackness polluting my thoughts, then again no one takes advantage of me. I repeat my mantra to calm down, 'peace & love, peace & love, peace & love, let it go, breathe." but I want to take my power back, MY body, MY temple, fuck you and your thieving hands and the darkness consumes me...
Here comes the "Writing is my therapy" part emotions, thoughts, rants, revelations, and all!
The inner battle is infuriating, it might not seem like a big deal but when I replay the incident in my mind the combination of Fuck Face sliding his hand under me while I was preoccupied with my boyfriend, his goddammed chummy response when confronted, and my boyfriend not giving two shits about it, I felt powerless, helpless, it makes me feel powerless & insubstantial. He knew what he was doing and it wasn't wrong to him, he could take what he pleased as he pleased, taking advantage of the situation, of me and I couldn't do anything to stop it, obviously he's done it before but what if it happens again, he'll continue to think it's okay and it's not. It wasn't like he threw some raunchy pick-up lines or vulgarly eyed me out, that's whatever- looking but not touching up until that point I believe is my problem if I find it offensive, but once he fucking touched me, purposefully, with intent, he made it his problem because he violated me & believe you me if I'm the type of person to take it like a bitch.
He's bigger than me, stronger than me, and I hate that, I hate that every time I see him it reminds me of how physically weak I am compared to most people, to him, to anyone with a desire to over power me and take from me. Not sure if I mentioned it previously but believe it or not I want to get over it, I want to let it go without retribution, it's just way too much negativity to carry around. I am nice to this guy I try to be nice to this guy, not because I fear him, but because my Muay Thai family seem to like him & he's nice enough (sober) but my deep disdain for his drunk-self is overwhelming; in my head my thoughts are SCREAMING- it's a fucking façade this guy is a bad man. Sometimes I can't even look at him without thinking, no, wanting to punch him in his face.
Oh buddy, there's no doubt I would give him a swift kick to his kingdom come first chance I got, to avoid that, to avoid giving into the dark emotions I just avoid him, the situation, and the opportunity to do so. It's on another level, beyond me to purposefully cause pain to another human being, I don't believe in it and I don't want any part of it and I hate that it takes so much effort to restrain thoughts of retaliation. Thoughts become actions and I don't want to be defined by those actions. I refuse to give in to hate, acting out of revenge, not being kind to someone else goes against everything I strive for in this life. I'm no monk, no saint, no anything more than just me but I always say life is hard enough as it is without people contributing to it's hardships, sustaining the never-ending circle of hate, poor choices, and self righteousness when in reality, perhaps nothing of a great magnitude was indeed taken. An infringement of an abstract ideology...ish. I say that now, as the angry feelings subside, probably due to exhaustion as I tapped into all the emotions that had been consuming me to write this blog.
I might need a little therapy but it does scare me that guys like him know martial arts & will not be using it for the greater good. The darkest parts of my soul run rampant hoping someone will see him for what he really is and kick his fucking ass, I hope they break him but it won't be me.
Weirdly yours,
-K
