Old Joy

I passed an elderly couple holding hands, laughing, and smiling at each other yesterday. Why is it that the first thoughts that popped into my head were, "aww that's so cute" & "they're probably serial killers." Apparently, whenever I see happy, white-haired, elderly couples I automatically assume they're serial killers or murders. Like when we were in Mechapa, Nicaragua and we were staying at the resort I seriously considered that the really sweet couple who owned the lodging & were doting hosts- though I wouldn't describe them as "elderly" they were just in a remote area in another country seemingly detached from the rest of society but anyway the thought had crossed my mind that they were possibly going to slit our throats, cut our bodies up into little pieces, & stash the bits in freezers under the cabañas (pretty much exactly like the couple from the book/movie The Road).  I was glued to my companions at all times haha buddy system FTW!

 

ps: I'm sure watching 7 Psychopaths didn't help either lol.


I'm not saying that if you're elderly and that happy that you must've gotten away with murder but I'm just saying.... Old people, watch yourselves! Your joyful laughter & loving gazes at one another might be giving away your secrets!!

pps: Of course, there is no proof whatsoever regarding the resort in Mechapa, it was just creepy because I was in a 3rd world country for the first time & prior to the trip my friends had psyched me out & partially convinced that I was going to be kidnapped and thrown into the back of an unmarked white van at some point, but we were more than safe the entire time- out of the city, on the coast, & surfing the hottest spots.  While in Mechapa we were connected to the wireless internet pretty much the entire time & the cabañas were really nice.  So yeah...don't exactly know where I'm going with this, I just don't want to bash the resort cuz it was cool aside from me being a little nervous.

 

Weirdly yours,

-K

I don't forgive you F*ck Face but I'm working on it.

I wouldn't go as far as saying he "sexually harassed" me cuz I looked up the legal definition and it didn't quite fit because we don't work together but he definitely made unwelcomed sexual advances e.g. I was sitting on a couch in a bar next to my boyfriend who was celebrating his birthday & FF (Fuck Face) was on the other side of me while my bf & I were looking the opposite way FF grabbed a handful of my bum, effort was definitely required to accomplish this feat.  As I turned to confront him face-to-face, I removed his hand from beneath my buttocks and with a 'WTF' expression I said, "Excuse you." and what he did pissed me off even more, he grinned- this motherfucking asshole smiled at me, 100% knowingly of what he was doing, then raised his finger to his lips and said "shhh" holy shit I wanted to punch his drunk ass face right then and there, I'm pretty sure my eyeballs got big and I was staring in fucking disbelief at the audacity of this punk.  I'm pretty sure all I did was say something like, 'are you fucking kidding me or what the hell' out of shock, in retrospect I regret not elbowing him across his face, breaking his hand, and crushing his balls into oblivion at the time, but that's always been my problem I never capitalize on the opportunities in the moments when I can sort of justify them & now I bide my time.  I didn't do anything mostly because don't usually act impulsively & I was taken completely by surprise, also because it was my boyfriend's b'day, he was completely trashed, having a good time, & he is my number one priority.  Also, FF is my boyfriend's friend, some fucking friend I say.  I ran a slightly edited version of this by my man at a later time just in case he flipped out but I was almost appalled at how nonchalant he was about it, he just told me "oh yeah, he's like that, he's the kind of guy that doesn't care if girls have boyfriends he'll go after them anyway." Even his own girlfriend apparently, I was a little perturbed he wasn't more upset but he's his friend I guess and I guess I don't need to be taken care of like that, I actually don't know what he was thinking, "no harm no foul" maybe?  I don't know but whatever I just dropped it, I can take care of myself after all, right. 

 

So anyway, FF (Fuck Face- just so you don't forget what that stands for) shows up at my Muay Thai class, holy fuck.  He's totally different sober of course but it makes me more than uncomfortable that this unbelievable douche bag is learning martial arts, there should be some rule or guideline or something against teaching martial arts to guys like that, maybe a screening process or questionnaire, however unrealistic that may be this incident forces me to contemplate the idea.  I not only fear that while intoxicated he will continue to act like his chauvinist-pig-drunk-alter-ego-self but if this fucking knuckle head gets into a fight because unlike my own boyfriend who remained calm while hearing a recap of the ordeal most guys won't appreciate another man making advances on their woman, especially unwelcomed physical advances and would possibly be provoked to the point of a physical altercation with the knowledge & skills FF is collecting from our school he won't receive the proper beat down he deserves because he will be apt enough to defend himself & even possibly injure someone else, now how fucked up would that be? 

 

He always talks to me and I say 'what's up' to be polite not wanting to cause drama at my Muay Thai gym, he called me "buddy" & I swear I almost vomited into my mouth.  I really just try to stay away from him but he somehow finds himself next to me and people already assume we're friends cuz I said he's my boyfriend's friend, which is definitely NOT the case I am nice to him for the sake of the gym, my Muay Thai family, the reputation of the school & business for my coach.  I am a more senior member and more than grateful for this place that has helped me through some dark times in my life, I am humbled to be a part of a great family- I feel an obligation to represent the school the best I can.  As much as I try to move past the more than awful first impression, it just makes me so mad.  I felt violated and I'm just waiting for my next opportunity to get revenge on this guy, which is even worse.  I don't plot, I don't get revenge on people it's like a blackness polluting my thoughts, then again no one takes advantage of me.  I repeat my mantra to calm down, 'peace & love, peace & love, peace & love, let it go, breathe." but I want to take my power back, MY body, MY temple, fuck you and your thieving hands and the darkness consumes me...

 

 

Here comes the "Writing is my therapy" part emotions, thoughts, rants, revelations, and all!

 

The inner battle is infuriating, it might not seem like a big deal but when I replay the incident in my mind the combination of Fuck Face sliding his hand under me while I was preoccupied with my boyfriend, his goddammed chummy response when confronted, and my boyfriend not giving two shits about it, I felt powerless, helpless, it makes me feel powerless & insubstantial.  He knew what he was doing and it wasn't wrong to him, he could take what he pleased as he pleased, taking advantage of the situation, of me and I couldn't do anything to stop it, obviously he's done it before but what if it happens again, he'll continue to think it's okay and it's not.  It wasn't like he threw some raunchy pick-up lines or vulgarly eyed me out, that's whatever- looking but not touching up until that point I believe is my problem if I find it offensive, but once he fucking touched me, purposefully, with intent, he made it his problem because he violated me & believe you me if I'm the type of person to take it like a bitch.  

 

He's bigger than me, stronger than me, and I hate that, I hate that every time I see him it reminds me of how physically weak I am compared to most people, to him, to anyone with a desire to over power me and take from me.  Not sure if I mentioned it previously but believe it or not I want to get over it, I want to let it go without retribution, it's just way too much negativity to carry around.  I am nice to this guy I try to be nice to this guy, not because I fear him, but because my Muay Thai family seem to like him & he's nice enough (sober) but my deep disdain for his drunk-self is overwhelming; in my head my thoughts are SCREAMING- it's a fucking façade this guy is a bad man.  Sometimes I can't even look at him without thinking, no, wanting to punch him in his face. 

 

Oh buddy, there's no doubt I would give him a swift kick to his kingdom come first chance I got, to avoid that, to avoid giving into the dark emotions I just avoid him, the situation, and the opportunity to do so.  It's on another level, beyond me to purposefully cause pain to another human being, I don't believe in it and I don't want any part of it and I hate that it takes so much effort to restrain thoughts of retaliation.  Thoughts become actions and I don't want to be defined by those actions.  I refuse to give in to hate, acting out of revenge, not being kind to someone else goes against everything I strive for in this life.  I'm no monk, no saint, no anything more than just me but I always say life is hard enough as it is without people contributing to it's hardships, sustaining the never-ending circle of hate, poor choices, and self righteousness when in reality, perhaps nothing of a great magnitude was indeed taken.  An infringement of an abstract ideology...ish.  I say that now, as the angry feelings subside, probably due to exhaustion as I tapped into all the emotions that had been consuming me to write this blog. 

 

I might need a little therapy but it does scare me that guys like him know martial arts & will not be using it for the greater good.  The darkest parts of my soul run rampant hoping someone will see him for what he really is and kick his fucking ass, I hope they break him but it won't be me.   

 

Weirdly yours,

-K

6 Months In

I missed May & June is nearly over...

Been kicking it a lot w/ my Muay Thai fam lately, definitely trying to up my training a bit.  For what, we'll see what the future holds maybe a mixed martial art event which just means stand-up & ground work/submission grappling, possibly a gym-to-gym sparring event, or even a smoker fight but we'll see.  It'd be cool to be part of the M-1 fight team, even though my teammates consider me an

honorary member, it would still be pretty sweet solidify & earn a spot. 

Which brings me to a more humorous aspect of being part of the fam bam, nicknames.  Everyone has a nickname or a "fight" moniker.  We actually had a discussion about it the other night, my coach and a few of the guys were asking what my nickname is or should be, & I had no idea.  I am pretty sure I am not allowed to bestow a nickname upon myself.  I feel like the names that actually stick are given to a person with inspiration in or supporting it.

I've been called a lot of things; Shortie, KC, Toes, Funk Master, Cougar, Hot Pocket, Chongy, Kim Chee, Kimberellasita, Sunshine, Rainbow Ninja (which has conversely been turned on the nickname-or as he is now the "Secret Rainbow Ninja") but nothing "fight" worthy.  Some of the ideas the guys were throwing around were crazy it went from; Green Munchkin [no way], to Green Fairy [if you let me fight in a green tutu], to Green Hornet [Bruce Lee], to Midori, to Midori Sour, LOL nickname brainstorms are hilarious.  As the guys were reflecting upon their own nicknames and those of our teammates they thought of one fighter and queried about his nickname, "what's Sheldon's nickname?"  As far as I know he didn't have one but immediately someone said, "he's 'Handsome Rob'." & everyone agreed, we were like, "yeah, he's totally Handsome Rob" & that's how nicknames should be...they catch on like wildfire.  It got me thinking, I don't really have any outstanding attributes, quirks [I think, in my case it may be that I have TOO many quirks for any one to be extraordinary], or a particular fight style to have earned myself a nickname & knowing me it's going to be something ridiculous rather than flattering but hey I don't complain about nicknames cuz they could always be worse.  Besides, if it represents me what else can I do except laugh at myself cuz it will probably something truthful.

There was nothing wrong about the nicknames being suggested, I just thought they were too long or something.  I can't imagine anyone calling me "Kimmie The Green Fairy Chong" or being greeted as, "Hey Green Hornet," or "Hey Midori Sour, how are you doing?" maaaaaaybe it's just me but I don't see it happening.

 

One of my teammates texted me yesterday, apparently he had been contemplating the whole "Kim's nickname thing" he said he found one and I was presented with, "Katsumi." He defined this name as Victorious Beauty and I had to look it up [of course, I am a paradoxical gullible skeptic] and via Google search and ultimately Wikipedia results produced one definition of Katsumi as "win, beauty" depending on the Kanji and also Kastumi is the name of a porn star so I might have to decline.

I'm not sure how people would think of me or describe me to their friends, the little one, freckles, loud, or the one who always dances [poorly mind you].  I guess if I was forced to dub myself w/ a nickname it would be something like Little Monster [however, I think that also happens to be the Fan Name of Lady Gaga's minions]...I'm really not sure how this nickname thing is going to go but hopefully it will be something cool to fit in w/ the rest of the team: Mr. Perfection, Shoots, Yoda, Duke, Duchess, Banger, First Lady, etc etc. 

 

Weirdly yours,

-K

Nerd Pride!

Moanalua High School Symphony Orchestra 2004 performing Capriccio Espagnol composed by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov (1887) featuring badass violin soloist and also my best friend- InYoung Park & a brief flute solo by another one of my good friends Jessica Hawkins.
Bomb diggity conductor: Mr. Elden T. Seta <3<3<3
(2nd chair cellist, lol)

University of Hawaii Symphony Orchestra 2011 performing Man of La Mancha
(5th stand, inside, me & my bright colored cello ^_^)
Most admired conductor evarrrrrr: Mr. Henry Miyamura

 

 

 

Weirdly yours,

-K<3

Surfing "Action Figurez"

Forever indebted to my friend JJ for making this video.  Over a year old but still fun.  The only footage I have of myself surfing & we only film when the waves aren't all that great cuz let's be real here, if it's going off why film when you can surf! Enjoy :)

 

 

Weirdly Yours,

-K

As long as it makes you a better person.

I lost someone in 2012 who I thought was one of my best friends, the thought had crossed my mind that if I ever got hitched I'd ask her to be my maid of honor but our friendship was short-lived succumbing to an unfortunate series of events.   My attempts to communicate with her went unanswered so all I'm left with is hearsay and from what I hear our friendship fell apart- actually, "falling apart" would imply that we simply couldn't reconcile, allow me to rephrase, from what I hear, (& this is purely my take of the situation) I was dropped like a bad habit because she feels like I betrayed her, I lied to her.

 

When I started this blog I wasn't really sure where I was going with it since I've been on an emotional roller coaster since late 2012; feeling confused, sad, angry, depressed etc etc but I think I've come to a good point to organize my thoughts & emotions with some form of respectable & readable dignity.

 

I'd like to claim I'm a "drama free" girl but there's no avoiding it, with friendships, come relationships, and with relationships come personalities, emotions, & ultimately trust.  Each individual feels, thinks, and interprets things uniquely which often makes for dynamic conversations and helps to determine who you connect with.  This leads to relationships & trust forms, however, when that trust is broken it can be catastrophic, maybe you think that's a bit of an exaggeration and now you're probably thinking "this girl describes a situation as "catastrophic," drama free, yeah right" but when it doesn't happen often or at all, then I have no methods of dealing with it & catastrophic becomes an appropriate description for my mental & emotional state during this period of coping.   

 

I don't often feel the need to defend myself, especially to people who don't know me because I would hope the people who are close to my heart know me well enough to brush off the bullshit they hear from outside sources & I am most certainly not interested in starting or getting involved in gossip or bashing someone else's reputation, however, I do not enjoy entertaining the thought that my own name may have been or is currently being slandered, as people may think less of me before I even get a chance to prove myself to them.

 

I was going to describe the situation but; A. it's just waaaay too long & trust me this blog will be a test of attention spans, and B. it might consequently be ruining someone else's reputation, hence it would disprove the paragraph above. Yes, so that paradox lead me to this conclusion...

 

Details of the situation are not important, maybe it is if you want to judge but then you'd be judging me & I'd prefer to tell you about myself rather than telling you the long complicated situation that has resulted in rumours of betrayal & this failed friendship before you make a decision about me.  This blog will not contain gossip.  I would not bash someone I considered a friend, & maybe it's naive to think or hope that one day we could resolve our differences and at least be cordial and civil towards each other, dare I say friends again?  But that is predictable of my nature & character to think that way, it may be one of my strengths as well as one of my biggest weaknesses, but I stray. 

 

No matter how much I think of the situation the alleged "lies & betrayal" just doesn't make sense to me.  This girl was one of my best friends, I can't stress that enough.  We did practically everything together, I could see if we needed to spend some time apart, for we had very similar interests; surfing, jiu jitsu, friends, going out and shaking our tail feathers.  She is the only girl friend I had to hang out with & go out with as most of my other girl friends don't live on this island, & those that do, do not share the same interests and/or have conflicting schedules.  To say the least I honored & valued her friendship, we spent so much time together, I loved her like a sister (though I don't have any siblings so whatever I imagine sibling love to be like, maybe like a cousin cuz I know what that's like, anyway...), why I would purposely ruin that doesn't make any sense.  The thought of "stabbing her in the back" and lying to her is incomprehensible, especially over a boy.  There is no boy I would put above my friends, some guy I barely knew on top of that.  Even if I had fallen for him, if I knew it would cause a problem with someone I held so dear, I'm sorry to say but I would've dropped him, no questions asked.  I didn't believe he was the "one" I thought maybe he could be, but I certainly wasn't convinced he was my "one & only."

 

Anyway, that's just me that's how I feel about all of my close friends.  I tell people, "I'm an only child, my friends are all I have" I'm not saying that people with siblings care less for their friends but I put a lot of effort into my friendships, building them, & maintaining them.  I care about surrounding myself with good people and the longevity of our companionship.  I don't have a big family to fall back on, I have a good family to fall back on but I am the youngest and the only, so I worry about being alone more often than I should. 

 

My current situation is that there is a vacancy in my heart, I have no close girl friends on this island proximity & friendship wise, this was the situation then aside from her and it still is, I didn't care then because I had her, that one person I could get that "girl" support from when all the guy friends in the world just couldn't understand or relate. I knew then & I was perfectly content with it because it was fun, easy, & I couldn't imagine us not being friends at all.  It takes a lot of energy, time, & dedication to build close relationships like that & honestly I'm a little weary, I feel like I just got blindsided and I'm assuming so does she.

 

Feeling betrayed is probably one of the worst feelings ever, especially by someone you considered a friend & I'm sorry that she has to feel that.  If I made her feel that way then I understand why she wouldn't want me in her life any more, it's a horrible feeling.  I can't change the way she feels but I'd ask her to consider my past, how long we've known each other even if we weren't super close for all of those years but if she could think back of how many people she's heard of me "back stabbing" or how many friends I've lost since we were in middle school together because I can't think of any.  It doesn't follow my track record & as I get older I certainly do not intend to change now & start lying to my friends.  I'm too old and too tired to get involved in drama, I never handled what little I had well then & I care for it even less now.  My style is to enjoy life with the people I love, to love fully & wholly, one stride at a time, & dealing with situations as they arise.

 

I never claim to be perfect & will never be.  I just hope the people I surround myself with can forgive me for the mistakes I have made and will make in the future and if not, then bummer but I'll just have to learn from it & keep on keeping on. 

 

I will not concede. I will stand my ground, I will stand before you as the person I have been and will continue to be, if you believe I would intentionally stab a friend in the back & lie then you don't really know me & it is the right choice for us not to be friends.  I myself would never befriend someone I couldn't trust.  Everything happens for a reason & I can only work to better myself from here on out.

 

Maybe we wouldn't be best friends forever, maybe we wouldn't be as close forever but I certainly never fathomed being estranged from her.  We share so many mutual friends I would hope we can amended the situation for those around us, my main concern if I cannot assuage her feelings of betrayal is the comfort of those who care for the both of us.  We have great friends and they'll stand by the both of us through thick & thin, & knowing this I think it's inconsiderate to put them in an uncomfortable situation.

 

Weirdly Yours,

-K<3